Healthy Vs Unhealthy Relationship : Is this Love
Like the songs say, love really can lift you up. Being in a loving, healthy relationship is fantastic. It can include affection, passion, caring, valuing, trust, acceptance, giving, joy, and vulnerability. Unfortunately, some relationships are not consistently very caring. You may know someone whose relationships are obsessive, excessive, destructive, dangerous, compulsive, habitual, unhealthily attached, or dependent. If you are wondering about yours or someone else’s relationships, take a look at these examples
Unhealthy Love:
Feeling consumed in the relationshipOften answering for the partner in conversations
Sado-masochism (Either or both.)
Extremely afraid to let go
Excessive fear of risk, change, or the unknown
Little individual growth
Very few truly intimate experiences
Playing mind games
Trying to get something by giving
Trying to change other people
Needing others to feel secure or happy
Seeking THE magical solution
Refusing to ever commit
Looking to others for a sense of self-worth
Being afraid when routinely separated
Repeatedly experiencing negative feelings
Being afraid of affection and closeness
Cares with excessive detachment
Frequent playing of "Power Games"
Healthy Love:
Allows for IndividualityHas an oneness & separateness from a partner
Brings out partners’ best qualities
Accepts endings
Experiences openness to change/exploration
Invites growth in the partner
Experiences true intimacy through acceptance
Can honestly ask for what is wanted
Finds pleasure in giving and receiving
Does not try to change/control partner
Encourages self-sufficiency in partner
Accepts limitations of self & partner
Does not seek unconditional love
Has individual high self-esteem
Trusts the memory of the partner
Expresses feelings spontaneously
Welcomes affection and closeness
Taking care of other’s feelings when asked
Believes in equality and personal power in self & partner
One of the most pronounced features in unhealthy relationships is the use of “POWER GAMES.” The word power can be used in many ways. Power games are manipulative behaviors that keep two people on an unequal basis. The power games can be subtle or in-your-face. Whichever way they appear, basically one person in the relationship believes he or she must maintain control in the relationship.
The person who believes this also feels the way to be in control is to have power over that relationship. People who buy into using power games to control a relationship often attempt some of the following behaviors
1. Giving Advice but not accepting it.
2. Giving order.
3. Being judgmental or punishing.
4. Making and then breaking promises.
5. Patronizing or condescending treatment.
6. Putting someone in a “no-win” situation.
7. Attacking someone when they are most vulnerable.
8. Showing “I don’t need you!” attitude.
9. Verbal or physical abuse.
10. Being aggressive and calling it assertiveness.
11.Having difficulty asking for love and support.
12.Trying to “get even” by putting others down.
13.Withholding something others want or need.
14.Smothering or over-nurturing others.
15.Making decisions for the partner.
16.Using bullying or bribing behaviors.
17.Trying to change someone, but being unwilling to change oneself.
18.Grudge-holding or showing self-righteous anger.
19.Being unable to admit mistakes.
20.Giving indirect, evasive answers to questions.
21. Consistently excusing or defending any of the above behaviors
DEALING WITH POWER GAMES: In an unhealthy relationship power games are not easily given up. The partner who gains a misguided sense of control over the other has difficulty sharing power, often out of a fear of being overpowered. Once a person identifies that power games are sabotaging the relationship, there are three choices to be made:
The person can cooperate and respond passively as a victim, agreeing to forfeit their own potency and accept a submissive position. It is easy and familiar. This choice can lead to the submissive person in a relationship accepting the feelings the other partner is trying to avoid – shame, guilt, inadequacy, and fear. The person can seek the power position, becoming snared in a competitive relationship where both partners vie for the power position, going through life on a seesaw of conflicts and arguments. Although not always the easiest to accomplish, a much happier choice is to respond from an affirmative position which acknowledges equal personal power. The healthy partners are able to express, “We are both okay and personally powerful. However, sometimes your behavior is not acceptable to me." Here are some suggestions when you find yourself in unhealthy occasions in a romantic relationship where power games are being used, and you want to withdraw from “the games:”
Acknowledge that power games are real.
Learn to identify your own personal cues that you are being drawn into a power game, such as: feeling confused, trapped, guilty, uncomfortable, threatened, competitive; doubting yourself; making sarcastic rebuffs; being defensive; projecting blame; avoiding your partner; giving evasive responses.
Examine your own personal negative beliefs that are supporting power games and change them.
Detach yourself, knowing that both partners are equals.
Remember, dealing with an unhealthy relationship can be difficult, frightening, confusing, and even unsafe. Get someone you trust to help you. This can be a good friend, a support group, a family member, or a professional counselor/therapist. You do not have to go it alone! And the goal – mutual respect in a healthy relationship - is worth your acting now.
Resources:
Is it Love or is it Addiction by Brenda Schaeffer
Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.
A few of the best psychology web sites with valuable information and links to hundreds of other sites on the World Wide Web are UC's Student Organizations & Activities, Psych Central by Dr. John Grohol at: http://psychcentral.com and Internet Mental Health at: http://www.mentalhealth.com/
Your Counseling Service: Timely, confidential, and professional assistance is available at the University Psychological Services Center(8:00am – 5:00pm, M-F) for UC students located at 316 Dyer Hall. Phone (513-556-0648) or stop in for a no-charge screening interview.
