More Tips for Parents

The following suggestions were written by a recent graduate as a guide for parents of new (and continuing) college students. They were adapted from the National Orientation Directors Association Manual.

1.  Don’t ask if they are homesick.

The power of suggestion is enormous. The first few weeks of school are activity and learning-packed: new friends to be made, new situations to be mastered, new routines to be established. Then comes the time when the novelty wears off, and a brief period of yearning occurs for the good old familiar days and friends of high school. Instead of asking the question, consider sending newsy letters about friends, family, and your town, and just calling more frequently to say “Hi.” Even if your student doesn’t say so, they do miss you.

2.  Write often and regularly.

An empty mailbox is a disappointment for all of us. Frequent letters and emails remind the student that the family connection is as strong as ever. Consider purchasing a supply of postcards (with stamps) for both of you, so that brief messages can be exchanged with minimal fuss. Avoid keeping score on an “I wrote last” basis. Remember this is the electronic generation, and although your student is more apt to use e-mail or long distance to communicate, a written communication from you via US Mail is a treat.

3.  Ask questions, but not too many.

The same rules that worked when the student was in high school work now. Questions indicate your interest but they still need to be respectful. Being overly inquisitive or investigative will probably result in less information rather than more. Try to keep your inquiries neutral and general…and remember to volunteer some information of your own.

4.  Expect change, but not too much.

Your student will change. That’s natural and inevitable. Just
remember that drastic change may be a temporary reaction
to a new environment and that maturation is a long-term
process. Parents need to be flexible, understanding,
and accepting. Remember that the student is
basically the same person you’ve lived with
for years.

5.  Don’t worry (too much) about those “Nothing is right” calls.

Often, when troubles become too much for a student to handle (a poor grade on a test, roommate disagreements, a flat tire), a call or a letter home is the answer. In times of crisis, the student feels safe unloading fears or tears to you…And then after the outburst, returns to routine, relieved and enlightened, while you continue to worry, feeling helpless. Be patient. Try to remind yourself that you are providing the same service as before: advice dispenser, sympathetic ear, or sounding board. Only now the service is provided long-distance.

6.  Visit, but not too often.

Shopping sprees and eating out as well as catching up are a welcome break for the student. And the visits provide an opportunity to meet some of the new and important people in the student’s life and to experience some new-found activity or interest. But remember, the student has established new time commitments and a “with you every minute” experience or surprise visit may be too much. The same advice goes for visits home. Freshmen who travel home frequently on weekends may be passing up opportunities to connect more closely to the campus through friendships and activities.

7.  Don’t say “these are the best years of your life.”

The college years can be full of indecision, insecurity, disappointments, and mistakes as well as triumphs and good times. “Best years” are defined by the individual living them and are usually recognize long after they occur. Any parent who believes that all college students get good grades, are actively pursuing definite career paths, always have activity-packed weekends, have hundreds of “close” friends, and lead carefree lives, is mistaken. The college years have highs and lows just like any other “life” period, and the parent who accepts this fact provides the support, understanding, and acceptance, the student needs.

8.  Put trust at the forefront.

You’ve worked for years to help your student develop independent decision-making skills. Now is the time for practice. Resist the urge to second-guess. Be supportive, empathetic, and respectful of your student’s willingness to take charge of future direction and decisions and to accept the rewards and consequences of those actions.