Grief & Loss

Coping with Loss

• It is a natural and normal reaction to loss.
• You need to go through grief to heal - and to experience emotional growth.
• Its' purpose and objective is to allow us to reconstruct our lives after major loss.
• Can bring a wide range of emotions - from deep sadness to anger.
• Can follow many kinds of  losses:
  •  Death of a loved one,
  • miscarriage,
  • divorce or separation,
  • learning that you have a  disability or serious illness,
  • the death of a pet,
  • loss of a job......
    

Stages of Grief
According to Elisabeth Kubler Ross, there are 5 stages of grief:

Denial - Have trouble believing that your loved one has gone; Feel numb; keep expecting your loved one to show up; have a sense of being in a dream

Anger - Feeling that a great injustice has  been done; Be angry at God; Be angry at your loved one for dying or leaving you all alone; be angry at the doctors, relatives and others

Bargaining - I'll go to church if you let him live; I'll stop smoking; I'll go on a diet; I'll become a better person, I'll treat him better.....

Depression - Feeling empty, hopeless, helpless or worthless; being preoccupied with feelings of guilt; loss of interest in pleasurable activities; no interest in eating; trouble sleeping; trouble remembering, concentrating or making decisions.

Acceptance - Realize that the person has died, Recognize the significance of the loss for you and your life (no replacement); Rebuild your life without the person who has died and finding new ways to look at life.

Myths and Facts about Grief

Myth:  The pain of loss will go away faster if you ignore it
Fact:    Ignoring your pain will only make it worse.  Facing grief  and actively dealing with your feelings is essential for healing to occur.

Myth:  It's important to "be strong" in the face of loss.
Fact:   Crying or breaking down doesn't mean that you are weak. It is important to feel your feelings. Don't try to "protect" your family by putting on a brave front.

Myth:   If you don't cry, it means that you aren't sorry about the loss.
Fact:    Some people have other ways of coping with loss. Not crying doesn't mean that you don't feel pain as deeply as others. You may just have other ways of showing it.

Myth:  Moving on with your life means you're forgetting the one you lost.
Fact:   Moving on  indicates an acceptance of the loss. It doesn't mean that you have forgotten. The memory of your loved one stays with you.

Myth:   Friends can help the mourner by not bringing up the subject of the loss.
Fact:    Grieving people often want to or need to talk about their loss. Bringing up the topic can give the mourner an opening for talking, but don't persist, if the person doesn't want to talk about it.

Myth:   A good way to express sympathy is to say, "I know how you feel"
Fact:   Everyone grieves in a different way. It is not possible for anyone to know exactly what another person is going through after loss.

Myth:   Grief should last about a year
Fact:    There is no right time frame for grieving. Feelings are unique and differ widely.

Avoid clichés ! "Be glad you had all that time together", "His suffering is over". "He's gone to a better place", "There will be another special person for you"  Sometimes just a touch, a hug or a simple being there helps the mourner more than words.

Lengthy Grief

Grief is more likely to be lengthier and more painful if the death was sudden or violent. Suicide, homicide, car crash, or losing a child are examples of losses that can cause very strong reactions such as:

Blaming yourself - or thinking that others are blaming you
Imagining vivd pictures of your loved ones last moments alive
Wanting to get revenge (in case of homicide)

Society's Reactions to Grief:

Our Society, as a whole, is unable to allow people to grieve openly. Many people feel uncomfortable around people who are grieving openly.  They may say "Pull yourself together, "Get over it". At the work place, people are normally given only 3 days off for bereavement.

Guidelines for Helping

Make Contact.  Make a phone call, send a card, attend the funeral, bake and deliver meals. Be a friend.

Provide practical help.  Don't say, "If there's anything I can do, let me know." Decide on a task you can help with and make the offer.

Be available and be accepting. Allow the person to talk without being judgmental or taking their feelings personally. Avoid telling them how they should feel or what they should do.

Listen. People who are grieving may need to talk about their loss; the person, related events, and their reactions. Allow them to tell their stories and express their feelings. Be patient and accepting of their expressions.

Be patient. Give the grieving person "permission" to grieve for as long or short time as needed.

Encourage self-care. Encourage the grieving person to care for themselves physically, postpone major decisions, and allow themselves to grieve and to recover.  At the same time, provide the support they may need in getting back into activities and making decisions. 

Mourning the Death
of a Spouse

Coping with the Death of a Co -worker